There’s nothing funny about “being defensive”. I’ve tried coming up with just one funny anecdote, but failed miserably. So, I won’t bother. But I think the topic is blog-worthy, because it comes up in office conversation…a lot.
When I hear the term “being defensive”, I think of difficult people who are harbouring guilt or deflecting blame. “It wasn’t me” or “I didn’t do it” is their knee-jerk reaction to deflect criticism; it’s a common method of protecting or justifying oneself.
But if I hear “I’m sorry”, the last thing I think of is defensiveness. In fact, polar opposite. Because if somebody apologises for their actions (whether the apology is warranted or not, as long as it’s sincere), aren’t they holding themselves accountable; taking ownership?
I say “I’m sorry” about as often as I say “I could really use a drink right now” (which I admit is a lot, but I say both with a high level of honesty and sincerity). I’m Canadian - it’s part of my identity. Canadians say “I’m sorry”…a lot. But saying “I’m sorry” seems to annoy people (and not just Americans). I mean it really, really annoys people. So when the reaction to an apology is “You’re being defensive”, it only adds to my confusion. How is saying “I’m sorry” viewed as being defensive? I can’t help but feel that there is a disproportionate level of arrogance associated with that type of thinking - I’m sorry, therefore I’m defensive?
If saying “I’m sorry” is being defensive, then my husband must be one helluva defensive guy!
This confusion makes me a little sad too, because for 25 years I've been led to believe that I worked with highly intelligent, highly motivated and highly paid professionals (well, there’s no disputing the latter). Lawyers know Latin phrases, legal terminology and can inflict psycological punishment faster than you can say…I’m sorry. Shouldn’t lawyers, of all people, comprehend the context of the phrase “being defensive”? If they’re defending a case and lose, are they being defensive if they say to their client, “I’m sorry I bled you dry but lost”?
The definition for the word “defensive” is:
Being overly sensitive to or reacting very strongly to perceived criticism.
Perhaps the perception is that saying sorry is being overly sensitive, therefore perceived as being defensive? Does this blog only further demonstrate how defensive I really am? Perhaps I’ve answered my own question?
Maybe saying “I’m sorry” is simply part of my DNA? Maybe I’m just an overly sensitive Canadian who believes it’s better to be sorry than insensitive, and who still believes in interpersonally connecting with those around me versus taking a stand behind a wall of condemnation and spite thinly veiled by a show of concern that my behaviour is defensive?
If saying “I’m sorry" is being defensive, then let me just say for the record…I’m sorry.
July 28, 2015
