The Bitter Truth - I’d have better people skills if I worked with some better people.
A parent would never admit they have a favourite child...any more than a boss would admit they have a favourite employee…but the truth is, they do. While it’s not always readily apparent which child is the favourite, at the office it’s oftentimes more blatant. Unfortunately, for those of us who aren’t the “office pet", we're left to endure the ingratiating exhibition of “boss-office pet” behaviour. Most days it’s palatable, but more often than not, it’s nauseating. Thank God for smoke breaks.
Anyway, I'm not going to get into a psychological debate as to why nepotism is still very much alive and well, at the office or elsewhere. Nepotism exists because we’re human. Enough said.
Want to become the next Office Pet but not sure how to go about it? No worries. I’ve got you covered. For the past several years, I’ve been observing the Office Pet and what follows are my TOP FIVE TIPS ’N TRICKS on becoming THE OFFICE PET!
1. SLACKER: Be a slacker; avoid doing any work at all costs, but learn the fine art of looking busy. It’s all about appearances because if you aren’t actually doing the work yet manage to convince those around you (especially your boss) that you’re over-burdened with work, trust me when I say you’ll move up the Office Pet ladder very quickly! Of course, if you’re not actually doing any work you can’t make mistakes, so that too can work to your advantage. (Also see my blog “Slackers” for more on the subject).
2. TARDINESS: Never be on time. Daily tardiness can be achieved by committing to memory your boss’s calendar. If you do arrive late, make sure you arrive before your boss does (that’s the trick). And while you’re at it, you may as well leave the office early!
3. PERSONAL CALLS: Whether you’re booking a holiday, a chiropractractic appointment or an automotive checkup, make and take several personal phone calls each day. Want everyone to know you’re not on a work-related call? Talk very quietly, almost inaudible, and always with your back to your co-workers. Make it obvious you’re hiding something.
4. LUNCHES: Always take your lunch, regardless of how “busy” the rest of the office is. Sneak out the back door if you have to, but whatever you do, DO NOT work through your lunch. And take at least double the alloted time. However, occassionally, even the Office Pet is asked to work through lunch. But if that does happen, heaven forbid, ensure you leave at least an hour early (if not more) to make up for it.
5. ABANDON: Don’t just physically vacate the office every day at 5:00 pm, emotionally vacatate it, ALL day, every day. It’s just that simple. If I can dispense just one piece of advice when it comes to being the Office Pet: DON’T CARE. You need to have an overall level of abandonment about your job, your colleagues, and how your behaviour is adversley affecting everyone around you. Not sure what I mean? Well, just convince yourself that your colleagues are stupid, and you’ll do just fine! Trust me, I watch it all day, every day (it looks easy, but I’ve tried it - it’s not, but maybe over time it can be learned?).
So there you have it! Those are nutshell versions of my years of observations on how to become the next Office Pet. But it goes without saying, my parents didn’t raise no slacker, so I’ve had to accept that I’ll simply never be anybody’s pet, let alone my boss's. But as Adam Bellow once said, “Nepotism is the bedrock of social existence.” So, yeah, enough said.
Published: December 12, 2016
