“Nobody says what they really mean,” my dad concluded, after a healthy discussion on the pros and cons of text messaging. My dad is, after all, 77 years old. Text messaging is a very new concept to him. But, regardless of his age, he’s joined the 21st Century and, like the rest of us, he’s communicating with most of the outside world by text. And not surprisingly, he’s discovered the not-so-hidden dangers of communicating by text: passive-aggressive behaviour.
Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
Personally speaking, not unlike the rest of the world, I'm surrounded by passive-aggressive behaviour. I see it every day at work, I see it in the waitress during the busy lunch-hour shift at my local pub, and I see it in friendship. Most recently, I was on the “aggressive” end of years of “passive” behaviour from a not-so-close member of my husband’s family. Never fun.
Cause and effect. I believe passive-aggressive behaviour is caused by a beakdown in communication, or communications based on assumptions, and indirect hostility is the effect. The worst part of all is, you’re never really sure what you’re dealing with, or why. It’s an inefficient use of one’s valuable time and makes the situation even more confusing than it probably already is. Why not just cut to the chase? But this type of behaviour is part of the fabric of our society. And learning to either deal with it, or curb it, is the key to surviving it. Learning to communicate in a non-confrontational yet agreeable way is the compromise. And I’m a firm believer that if you want to stop stereotypes then you have to stop being one.
One day at work, a very long time ago, I made a rather hasty decision to stop being passive and try taking a more aggressive approach towards my boss. The result was surprising (although I don’t recommend it)!
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BOOK EXCERPT
“Why don’t you just fuck right off!” The next few moments played out in slow motion. I could hear the words forming in my mouth but I couldn’t stop myself from saying them. My brain had disconnected from my mouth. The words hung in the air between us, the echo of them still ringing loudly in my ears. I knew by the look on my boss’s face that the next two words out of his mouth would be “you’re fired!”
I stood completely frozen, staring blankly back at my boss, Iain McGovern, the Associate Vice President of Land and Buildings Services at the University. He wasn’t much taller than me, which wasn’t saying much, and he spoke with a thick Australian accent (a heritage he was fiercely proud of). I had taken a short-term contract at the University to work for Iain and, after only one week, I was already preparing myself for the inevitable. I snapped back to reality when Iain finally spoke, breaking the nauseating silence.
“I’ve fired people for less, I’ll have you know!” I could tell by the tone of his voice he was absolutely livid, and perhaps even a bit hurt; but he stood his ground and waited for me to respond. With my brain still disengaged from my mouth, I was on a roll.
“Then fire me, Iain!” I practically yelled. “Do me this one courtesy and just bloody fire me!”
“I should,” he proclaimed. Even he looked slightly confused that he hadn’t fired me yet. “I should fire you!” he finished, raising his voice but still maintaining his composure. He had a reputation as a leader on campus, and now I knew why; even though he was clearly very angry, unlike me, he still managed to behave like an adult.
“Then do it already,” I urged, annoyed that this conversation was going on longer than I wanted. “FIRE ME!” I yelled, throwing my arms up in exasperation. If I was going to be fired then I wanted it over with; like removing a Band-Aid, do it quickly so it’s relatively painless. Besides, it’s not like I wasn’t expecting it. But then it happened. Nothing could have prepared me for what Iain said next.
END OF BOOK EXCERPT
* * *
The effect of my aggressive behaviour? Instead of firing me, Iain offered me the job permanently! He said I had tenacity, which was exactly what he was looking for. But in the end, I turned him down. Sometimes we need boundaries, and at that time I wasn’t sure I could work for somebody who saw aggressive behaviour as tenacity (strange, but true). So is aggressiveness bad behaviour? Or is it merely just a thin disguise of determination? Who knows. But I do know this - from now on, instead of making hasty decisions to be aggressive (or even passive), I’m simply going to try walking on the bright side of the street! After all, the only way to stop stereotypes is to STOP being one!
July 5, 2015
