A typical jazz audience at the annual Vancouver Jazz Festival. Learn how to blend in at a jazz concert (I did - in fact, I bet you can’t even find me in this picture).
I’m no music expert…but then again, I never claimed to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love music but I’m most comfortable with either Easy Listening, Pop or Rock music. But every once in a while I enter into foreign territory; a traditional Jazz concert.
There’s a colossal difference between the easy-going easy listening/pop/rock music audience and the more fastidious jazz audience. The biggest trick is mastering how to blend in with the traditional jazz audience without exposing yourself as an imposter (trust me, it’s no easy feat but I’ve been doing it for years). Not sure what I mean? Watch the 1978 cult classic film Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Thinking of going to a jazz concert? No problem. Below, in no particular order, are my Top Five Tips and Tricks that I believe will help you master the world of live jazz concerts:
1. SPITTING: If you’re not confortable with spit or spittle, then don’t sit in the first row of any jazz venue (especially one with a horn section). Don’t get me wrong, jazz spitting isn’t the musicians hocking a lugie at you from across the stage. It’s just regular spit flying out in all directions from either their mouths or their horn instruments. It’s not as bad as being in the front row of a Gallagher show (an American comedian known for smashing watermelons on stage) but it’s a close second.
2. APPLAUSE: Unlike pop or rock, during every jazz song there’s applause after each instrumental solo (which oftentimes can reach as many as five). This applause is mandatory - just follow along with what everybody else is doing. But whatever you do, don’t be the first to clap.
3. CLAPPING: When you’re encouraged to clap along to the beat of a song, be sure to follow the leader of the band (or lead singer), because if you’re like me and have absolutely no rhythm it’s easy to get lost in the song. Jazz audiences are less forgiving than pop or rock audiences when it comes to being rhythmically challenged.
4. MINGLING: Mingling at a jazz show can be very dangerous territory. If you’re accompanied by a jazz enthusiast, then you’re in good hands (but really, of course you’re there with a jazz enthusiast, otherwise why would you be there in the first place?). But tread very carefully when intermingling with a jazz audience; they may try and trip you up with words like improvisation, polyrhythms, syncopation and the swing note. My advice? Let your friend do all the talking or, alternatively, spend the intermission in the bathroom. Because just “enjoying the music” is not enough; you need to fully comprehend the essence of jazz or your cover’s blown.
5. DRESS CODE: This advice is really simple - dress down. Whatever you do, don’t overdress at a jazz concert. This isn’t the opera. If you’re not wearing corduory pants (pleats optional), a loose fitted button-down shirt with comfortable shoes (socks & sandals optional) you could be in trouble. And that’s just my fashion advice to the ladies. Men - the same advice goes to you. A hard-core jazz aficionado can spot an imposter a mile away. And when they do, it’s game over.
One last small piece of advice - avoid telling bad “musician" jokes at a jazz gig. For example, jokes like this tend to fall flat:
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A: A tattoo.
Okay, on that happy “note”, I’ll stop “harping” and leave you to it. Wishing you all the best at your jazz gig! And, as always, thanks for “reeding”!
July 17, 2016
