To quote the great Gloria Gaynor, "I will survive”. But if work were the game of Survivor, I would have been voted off long ago!
Survival. It’s a simple word, but one which has tripped off my tonque far too often, not to mention easily, lately. Recently, a colleague described my predicament as “working scared”. Yup, my worst nightmare has finally come to fruition - between the lies, the anger, the mind games and power tripping, the office that employs me has officially become my emotional prison and I’m desperately trying to escape the shackles of this torturous existence. But I’m a firm believer in being part of the solution, and not the problem.
So after careful examination, I have compiled the TOP 5 DEADLIEST OFFICE BEHAVIOURS! That’s right kids - below are the worst offending behaviours that have invariably turned my place of employment into a veritable shit storm. By identifying the bad behaviour that is adversely affecting my job, I believe eradication of the offending behaviour is imminent.
1. DIVIDE & CONQUER: Also known as “Factory Mentality”, this is by far the most disturbing behavioural pattern exhibited anywhere, let alone an office. But recently, the newest office minion (who I will affectionately refer to as “The Beast”) climbed aboard the already sinking ship and immediately began employing the most popular underhanded tricks from their favourite television series, “Survivor”. By aligning itself with the higher-ups who be, thereby alienating the minions, The Beast lied, manipulated and employed some of the dirtiest and most underhanded emotionally scarring and abusive tactics I have ever been witness to, which ultimately led to a deep division between staff. I admit, this dirty dog’s lethal dose of daily drama has me in awe. Never before have I witnessed so much damage in so little time. But I too adhere to the game of “Survivor” and while I may be disadvantaged by my honesty, integrity and loyalty, I will fight The Beast to the bitter end. Remember, there is only one winner in the game of “Survivor”, and my plan is to outwit, outlast and outplay The Beast. Wish me luck.
2. EMOTIONS IN MOTION: People may forget what you did, and they may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. The Beast has embraced this idealogy using passive-agressive behaviour. In other words, The Beast is a bully. The Beast is also predictable and naive, but naturally they don’t know it (because they’re also incredibly vain).
3. NO REPLY: Stone faced, stoic, cool, calm and collected. However you describe it, when employed correctly, the “blank stare” given back when challenging The Beast has proven to be impressively useful. The Beast not only knows when to speak, but when not to (which is more often than not). It’s not quite the charm offensive of the smile (described below) but it’s equally impressive. When done properly, the manipulative blank stare combined with "no reply” can turn even your [perceived] closest office ally into an enemy - it’s all about perception!
4. DELUSIONAL COLLUSION: Long-term alliances can work, but The Beast doesn’t realize that the very people they've built their so-called alliance with (aka “The Boss”) will inevitably turn on them because they are the leader of the game and they will never lose - ever. Like I’ve said, in the game of “Survivor” there is only one winner, so it’s delusional to think if you collude with The Boss that you’ll be the last one standing. By building an alliance with The Boss, only the severely delluded could possibly believe that by osmosis they now pocess the same power over the minions. Of course, only a sociopath would believe that, but this idealogy is currently being employed by The Beast, albeit only partly successfully (but enough to be a reminder of how dangerous this alliance can be).
5. CHARM OFFENSIVE: Sociopaths lull you into a false sense of security with their smile, reminiscent of Lewis Carroll’s Chesire Cat. Not unlike The Beast, they show no empathy, sympathy or understanding. Instead, they charm you with their barely-there beam. It’s the same smirk they wear when throwing you under the wheels of a moving bus. Beware of the subtle smirk disguised as a smile!
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Combining the above five behavioural patterns, and mixing in a healthy dose of over-inflated ego with hostile intentions, you have yourself one helluva narcisistic self-absorbed asshole for a co-worker! But their strategy can't entirely work, because not all of us are blind to the molotov cocktail of crazy The Beast is trying to serve up. I am in both shock and awe (but mainly shock) of how The Beast has been able to wreak so much havoc in such a short period of time. And as much as I’d love to slow-clap this individual out of the room (and out of the office) for doing such an amazing job at nearly causing our department to completely implode, I wouldn’t dare give them the satisfation. But the shame of it all is, for those who should see the massively destructive behaviour described above, they can’t be part of the solution, only the problem. So the question is: if this is office life, why work in an office at all? When I come up with the answer, I’ll let you know!
July 17, 2017
